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Fantasy X Ride
jarielann@gmail.com / 15 / Singapore

accidental tourist, delusional chink, poodle-lover












Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Calm yourself he says to me

I have the most boring blog ever. My entries don't contain pictures(cause I'm just too lazy) they are all texts and rants. So anyway I've had my POP interview which is the only highlight of today. Everyday I'd pretty mundane ever since school began. Been missing _ so much lately, I haven't been concentrating in class or to anyone else, I should really stfu and move on. That's probably because it hasn't hit me hard enough that school has alrdy started and CAs are once again, around the corner. Gotta get a serious reality check and clear my thoughts.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

if only someone knew



i scare myself. Only 1 hour ago, i was having sushi and getting some of my work done but 5 mins ago, i was scolding coco, screaming, hitting myself and yelling at my aunt when she did nothing wrong at all. I've forgotten clean that it has been exactly a week since her grand-dad had pass on and she's already feeling down. Nobody knows how much i hate myself. How could i even bear to do that? I feel out of my mind. Now everyone's tearing and i feel horrible. I can't actually contain myself any longer and thus i'm writting an entry. Not like anyone would read it but i just wanna pour everything out. I'm crumbling in the inside and no counselling doesn't help one bit. No, nobody understands. I haven't been feeling myself in a long time. It's not that i'm seeking attention or wallowing in self-pity, but i really can't stand the pressure any more. It's been me battling myself everyday.


I lie, alot. Just so i can feel better about myself. Just because i can't accept myself i think nobody else can too. I can't be a hundred percent frank about something. I feel superficial, and it's difficult for me to actually communicate without lying sometimes. I've hidden so much, i have trouble identifying myself sometimes. I've always been saying things i can't believe myself saying. Doing things i can't believe myself doing. I need the pain to feel alive sometimes. I can't think straight anymore. I secretly want someone to know, but i feel the need to put up a strong front. I feel that if i don't, i'll be taken advantage of. Pardon my gramatical errors, but i cant seem to think straight anymore. I wouldn't do anything silly even if i have thoughts of doing so at times. But it'll be nice if i just disappear for awhile.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

i never saw it coming

It's been a fairly long time since i've logged onto this space. And i'm pretty sure nobody even reads it anyway. The holidays are coming to an end ever so swiftly and i'm not even half-done with my homework, which apparently, should be lesser since i'm sec 1.

I'm pretty caught-up with this situation whereby i think that no guys would actually like me or even bother to take a second glance of me, but then again who am i kidding? I'm 13. Guess my hormonal changes has decided to take a trip on a wild roller-coaster ride. Or maybe it's just my horribly low self esteem taking another plunge. It's funny how i've been into Mass-Communication or anything that has to do with arts since i was a kid and i've never been shy about being called to do stuffs that involves any of those, but when it comes to facing my daily routine of even taking the MRT, i feel horrible. I tend to walk faster in public when i'm alone because i dont want to be seen or i'd rather not go out at all than to feel awkward and disfunctional in public. Even when i'm walking to school, i don't feel good at all. Not until i reach my classroom that is.

Speaking of which, I've been to Sentosa yesterday, and its probably one the most fun trip i've had in this holiday. Although my phone went crazy in the morning and i couldn't receive any calls half-way through my journey to harbour front alone and i was suppose to meet the group in VIVO(not specifically in any stores), so when i reached, i spend 40mins walking all around the whole shopping centre thinking that i would find them. In the end, i had to go to a phone repair shop and the sales person was kind enough to charge my phone and said that it was overheated. Apart from my mad-chase in the morning, everything went smoothly and everyone gotten tan-marks everywhere. The aftermath hurts so bad, it feels like my skin is tearing into half everytime i move, but then again, it was all worth while. Although i have no idea how am i gonna tolerate the pain for 2 hours during practice later.

That's probably all from me now.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

eyes of a tiger

Don't you get sick and tired of everything. Face it, we can't do what we wanna do, we can't fully express ourselves, we can't fully push ourselves to our limits. It's the 21st century and everyone is being judge based on their appearance. I want to get my left sleeve tattooed when im 21, but it's not fully possible. It'll be difficult for me to get a job, difficult for my future in-laws to accept me and my child next time will get judged base on his/her mother. Fuck the world. It's not true when they say: follow your dreams and express yourself. Fuck those nonsense. That's all script based and only shown in movies. Unless I'm born rich with nothing to care about but education then, yes, there is a chance. But out of all human population there is only a handful that has the privilege of living a blessed life. I highly doubt I'll ever regret getting inked in the future, I've been watching LA ink since I was 11, and have been drawing the exact same picture on my arm on a daily basis, it's a symbol that actually means something. And it's not just tattoos. People get judged all the time. Just cause one hang out with people who cut doesn't necessarily mean that they're scene. Just cause One gets prada doesn't mean that they're bimbotic. Fuck stereotypes too, this is shit.

-thoughts from me when I'm 13

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

freefall

Things went so wrong yet so right yesterday(lately too). I've got bird poop on me and it landed on my pinafore, had really bad cramps on me feet during pointe work and I couldnt do a pirouette, and found a strand of hair in my nasi lemak when I was eating. Then again when night falls, we went to the pasar malam nearby and things instantly got better, shot a gun that resembles a rifle and won a couple of nonsense from that booth. That brought back memories from JSA when most of the girls and I would go safra and train pistols and rifles. And later that night N told me watch a YouTube covers. That really made my night. It has been quie a mentally draining week during the holidays(rehearsals after rehearsals) furthermore it has been a pretty bad day for me. It's nice know that there's someone who cares. Am really lucky to have her;-) here's to an abrupt ending once again: ciao!

Sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence. ~David Byrne