Feeling like crap lately

Things were smooth sailing over the past couple of weeks, we had xcountry and other events(I can't remember anything thats happening lately prolly cause idgaf about my everyday routine nowadays) oh right. CAs, they somewhat turned out okay. Until 2 days ago, shit happened, and there goes my shit emotions again. Once I get fingers on my horribly-slow-pink-vaio, I promise I'll upload pictures and stuff. Meanwhile, do try shitting while standing up I heard it helps with constipation. Pardon me, but bye.

in your mind

Hey, no one genuinely cares except your parents, at least that's what I think. And it's probably proven me right since he's liking someone else now, im caught at home, struggling to get my thoughts straight. But I'm always a disappointment so what's the point? It's like I've never actually done you proud academically, even if I do aesthetically, I've never actually seen that pride in your face. That's probably why I've been draining myself out lately, running everyday, doing crunches and stretching before I sleep, so I can forget about what's on my mind and fall asleep almost immediately.

Do note that I'm not wallowing in self pity. Neither am I seeking for attention but I would really want to keep a space where I can have my (personal) emotional word vomit or for me to come back to this space after a year or so to look back on how much things have changed. It's a space for me to pour things out and I might want to private this blog after awhile.

Indifferent

I was somewhat threatened with suicide as a kid, and that suprisingly made up to who I am today. At that point in time when that someone you love dearly holds on to the metal window frame screaming "If making you realize your mistakes and knocking some sense into you involves me killing myself, I would" You immediately understand how much one is willing to suffer just for your sake. That made me feel like a unfillial brat which made me start studying for psle. But lately, I hadn't been concentrating in class, neither am I studying for CAs which is in 6 days time. I need someone to knock some sense into me, or maybe I need a serious reality check. TOO MUCH TUMBLR. TOO MUCH YOUTUBE. TOO MUCH CHICKFLICKS. ITS BACK AT REALITY BABY.

Tears are not a sign of weakness, you cry when you were born, that's more than just strength

It's been a habit that I'll cry everytime something goes wrong, be it just a simple task or the slightest mistake I'll kick up a big fuss and start tearing. I need things to be perfect. And jealousy and my insecurities can eat me up alive.

Drift

everyone I'm close to is drifting away. Px and I don't always talk anymore, and I miss her advice and nonsense over the phone, I miss chilling at her place and doing absolutely nothing, we can make vids of ourselves doing crap and laugh over spilt milk. Ws and I haven't been texting either. We use to hang out every holiday but we didn't for the June/youth/march holiday and we use to call each other names and poke fun of each other. Even pp and i haven't been seeing each other everyday. She's either busy with her new roles or it's just way too awkward for us to talk, we don't write anymore too. I have no one else to talk to nowadays. It's hard to get by each day. And so this is how I spend my youth day, secretly crying in my room. Cheers.

burn baby burn

it's YOUTHDAY! HAPPY YOUTHDAY TO ANYONE READING THIS;-)

It's my first youth day and it sucked, big time. My dad and I are both at home and we hadn't talk for the whole day. I turned down going out with Y and a couple of classmates because I thought I needed time for myself. Giving them the excuse that I had to mug for the CAs. But anyway the biggest present this youth day is the success of the SYF dance yesterday in the esplanade! Though the cloth had gone a little wrong, it wasn't really obvious and we did a great job *cue victory music. There were quite a lot of really good dance crews as well. Was really an eye opener. Yes back to today.. I baked brownies, drew a couple of sketches, watched 'the world according to Paris' and studied a little. CAs are in 3 days time and I still don't see the need to study. I have no idea what has gotten into me lately, even my parents are aware but... Ah fuck it. I feel like I'm screwing up my own life. It's like I'm falling back into the cycle 2 years back when I couldn't care less about anything and was really rebellious. I got up every morning going through the motions of my everyday and once the school bell rang, I would go home, change and go out(I was 11 back then). Now, my mum's constant 'reminders' for me to study hard and do well hasn't been working. Instead, the more she says it, the more I'm not going to do it. I don't know whats happening.