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Fantasy X Ride
jarielann@gmail.com / 15 / Singapore

accidental tourist, delusional chink, poodle-lover

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

if only someone knew

i scare myself. Only 1 hour ago, i was having sushi and getting some of my work done but 5 mins ago, i was scolding coco, screaming, hitting myself and yelling at my aunt when she did nothing wrong at all. I've forgotten clean that it has been exactly a week since her grand-dad had pass on and she's already feeling down. Nobody knows how much i hate myself. How could i even bear to do that? I feel out of my mind. Now everyone's tearing and i feel horrible. I can't actually contain myself any longer and thus i'm writting an entry. Not like anyone would read it but i just wanna pour everything out. I'm crumbling in the inside and no counselling doesn't help one bit. No, nobody understands. I haven't been feeling myself in a long time. It's not that i'm seeking attention or wallowing in self-pity, but i really can't stand the pressure any more. It's been me battling myself everyday.

I lie, alot. Just so i can feel better about myself. Just because i can't accept myself i think nobody else can too. I can't be a hundred percent frank about something. I feel superficial, and it's difficult for me to actually communicate without lying sometimes. I've hidden so much, i have trouble identifying myself sometimes. I've always been saying things i can't believe myself saying. Doing things i can't believe myself doing. I need the pain to feel alive sometimes. I can't think straight anymore. I secretly want someone to know, but i feel the need to put up a strong front. I feel that if i don't, i'll be taken advantage of. Pardon my gramatical errors, but i cant seem to think straight anymore. I wouldn't do anything silly even if i have thoughts of doing so at times. But it'll be nice if i just disappear for awhile.

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