surreal

the hate i generate towards myself:

i dislike how i get so emotionally attached to someone and it doesnt just last for a week, or a month. It usually drags up to a year or 2. It's nice to see someone you generally care about happy, but the reason behind that smile isnt because of you. Its also difficult to grow up being ___ cause it just isnt common and society hasnt fully approve of it yet. The feeling that kills the most, is having to look at the mirror and wanting to look away because i dont feel good enough about myself. How can i feel genuinely good about my looks when no one has every looked me in the eye and tell me that i'm good enough. No, not even my parents. The thing is, i've never been good enough, sensible enough or pretty enough. I come from a family that i have both my parents still together, and i'm lucky to have every meal ready on my table everytime i'm hungry and more than enough clothes in my wardrobe but i dont think anyone knows the emotional turmoil i go through everyday. Not like i'm saying these for the sake of saying it, but it pains me a lot. Having to put on a brave front everyday, or not having to be myself at all. I feel so unfillial and bratty because i come from a financially stable family and my parents both think they know their daughter well enough. But, there are just certain things i cant say and it would be better of as a secret that i can never tell anyone. Not even my best friend of 4 years and my closet childhood friend i grow up with. I guess this phase will pass really quickly and i hope it all works out well enough next time. I'm typing this is large chunks because it will be too wordy for anyone to read but i secretly want someone to know. You know how that feels like? Yup