survival is not mandatory

i've had enough of not being a filial enough daughter, a not caring enough friend, and a not good enough self. One day you'll notice the scars on my body and i dont even know what excuse to come out with. "I've so much hatred towards myself but i cant vent it on you, neither can i vent it on anyone else. So inflicted these to myself" You told me a while ago that you'll never talk to me ever and you're washing your hands off me for good and theres only 2 options, to kill yourself on your birthday in order for me snap back to reality or you're just going to let me 'rot'. It felt real, not like the other times you've said them. I've never been so scared for the arrival of your birthday, and it's just less than 10 days away. Im feel my body giving in to depression after all that continuous crying for days. I've never felt so lonely.